On Beard Protocols

My roommate mocks me for how long I take in the shower, being a man. It takes a lot of work to be a Not-Ugly Man, though. Men, with the glaring exception of Ryan Gossling, are not naturally predisposed to being "pretty." And yes, my male friends also make fun of me, but the ones who do are gnarly little C.H.U.D.s, so let's not take them seriously.


I take a solid hour in the shower.

Now I'll freely admit 15-20 minutes of that is my sitting on the floor with my back to the door, bleary-eyed and half asleep, waking up to the warming steam filling the bathroom while I check my comics and news sites for the day. Let's say 30 min for the actual shower, including stand-under-the-water-philosophising time. The rest is drying off and shaving, or trading off with shampooing I guess.

The shaving is the tease, though, because I turn off the water, but you can't get into the bathroom to pee for another ten minutes. It's got to be, though. Shaving a man's face is like shaving a woman's vagina: you have to be absolutely sure to get every last hair, but careful not to cut the thing people interact with, and sometimes you have to sculpt a little shape into what's left at the end.

Except unlike a healthy vagina, every person I meet is going to see my face on a daily basis.