Ways to Describe My Beard

• One week into a really bad breakup

• My head-start on No-Shave November

• For that matter, my all-year tribute to the mighty ball sac

• Chia-Face

• Cousin Itt bukakke

• In a completely different way: A Japanese man's wet dream

• Your girlfriend who shaved for you for Valentine's day, on March 1st

• Waffle Fries (because it's so bad, but feels so good)

• That weird button you found in the wash, in that you're afraid to ever really get rid of it

• Sampson's Mane

• Hipster's ski mask

• Lopsided and shitty