Things That Are Not A Hat

I came across of copy of Jon Klassen's children's book This Is Not My Hat a few days ago, which resulted in the creation of the following list.

Things That Are Not A Hat: 

A Fish

A fish would make a terrible hat, all flopping around, it would never stay still on your head long enough to be of any value as a headpiece.

Trees

Trees are immobile, heavy and cumbersome, and just downright hard and pointy. They would not be comfortable to wear on your head for any length of time, though they are especially good at keeping what is beneath them dry.

The War of 1812

While many cunning hats were obviously worn, a 32 month international conflict is not a hat. Moreover, a prominent American event in the War was the burning of the President's House in Washington, D.C., resulting in its rebuilding and renaming with a fresh coat of paint as the "White" House. Though pivotal, fire is generally not suitable head attire.

A Multi-National Bank

All the worst things about trees, and it's got ties to organized crime. And not the way fedoras did while still looking cool. No, this is Law & Order crime, not Tommy gun crime.

Socks

Very close. So very close. But it is hard to get socks to fit over your head securely, and in most cases where you do, they'll lose the stretch in their elastic rather quickly.

The 1974 Dallas Cowboys

This is a sports team. Was a sports team. It isn't even a team anymore. I mean the team is, but this team isn't. The point is they are not a hat, which was as true then as it is today. Though Roger Staubach could probably be a hat if he wanted to.