On Saddling Your Children with Names That Control Their Future

Naming your child "Lucky" is going to ruin him. "Princess" and "Honey Boo-boo" are likewise fucked.

Today I add a new one: Never name a young black boy "Kenyan."

That's like naming a little Jewish boy "Israel." Like the guy running the Pakistani Deli down the block from your apartment telling you his name really is "John Paki."

You're essentially just guaranteeing that your kid is going to chased continuously throughout his life, first by bullies on the playground, then by about 40,000 white people trying to make it to the tape at the 2012 2013 New York City Marathon.

Well at least he'll have great cardio strength. That might just be enough to combat his genetic predisposition for heart disease, diabetes, and obesity.