More Truthful Hurricane Sandy Emergency Supplies

• Condoms. You're gonna be doing a lot of of nothing when the power goes out. This might be wishful thinking on your part, actually.

• One of those cigarette-lighter/three-prong AC adapters for your car

• A power strip. Listen, you're power's going to go out. You're going to head to a local store where they still have power. You're going to be an asshole and park it by a power outlet all day to charge your laptop and pretend like everyone else can't see you looking at softcore porn. The least you could do is bring a surge protector to help out some other assholes.

•  A book. Most of us are going to feel some REM withdrawal as our electronic devices are sequestered to conserve energy and then slowly die off anyway. With the exclusion of those of us working in publishing, a "book" seems like a terrible replacement, but dude, seriously, you're going to run through every magazine, email, and cereal box fairly quickly. Take this opportunity to catch up on Game of Thrones or something. Worst case scenario, you get sleepy and take a nap after a few pages, killing time until the end of the world finishes up.

• Lots and lots of beer. Seriously, lots. Enough to drown the hurricane. That much. This is … this is gonna be a long one, guys. Beer will help.