Jesus: A Comic Con Story

While waiting for the subway at New York Comic Con this past weekend, a man came up and handed me a flyer. Like an idiot, I took it, hoping it was a coupon since, after all, I was dressed like a blind Han Solo.

Nope. It was about Jesus.

My compatriot ignored him spectacularly, as she has been a New Yorker officially for a few months now. Before he could say anything else, I turned back to this man, presented the paper he had just handed me, and projected a resolute, "NO."

He took it, but asked me, "You don't want to learn about Jesus?" like a sad mother who just had her puppy kicked by her favorite nun.

"NO."

Man, listen. I was raised Jewish. Do you know what that means? It means I already learned about Jesus, and probably know more about him than you do, since I had to study that, not being inundated with hyperbole and dogma since birth. I'm not Christio-brainwashed, I'm faithfully educated.

"Well, alright, He still loves you," the man said as he trudged away, feeling sad but inside I know, also resentful and more than a little superior.

"Oh, I know," I called after him. I just told you. I know about Jesus already. I don't need help. I'm very glad that you are trying to be a good person and are not forcing anything on me overtly, but I still don't need what you're offering.

Moreover, that guy Jesus is playing this all wrong. First he's married to every nun on Earth, then he plays this.

Saying He loves me so early in the game? I'm not even committed to him yet, officially or unofficially. Men should never say "I love you" first. It's bad form. You give up a lot of the control in the relationship when you say that, and I know the church is all about control, so what's the deal, Jesus?

Men never say the L-word first, and they never use emoticons first either.

Same reason. Also, most of the time they look stupid.