Internet Stand-Up | Relationships

Comparatively functional, I'd say.

I apologize in advance to any and all of my friends who'll tell me after this that they're in a healthy relationship.

I have never seen a healthy romantic relationship.

I'm sure I've past one on the street, maybe sat next to one on a bus…. Alright, you've never sat next to a healthy anything on a bus, but maybe somewhere I met one without realizing it. Maybe.

Couple people will be quick to jump in, but someone's always churning out a stomach tumor in a relationship. Somebody settled, somebody's doubtful it was them, somebody's worried they have enough of a drinking problem to be a bad parent but not enough of one to get into a program. Maybe one of them's just an asshole. Maybe one of them secretly doesn't want kids

As an aside, it's worth mentioning that anal sex is a nearly fool-proof method of birth control; no one ever got pregnant fucking an asshole, unless you ask my mother.

When you tweet that last one, add the hashtag "haiyo."

And also "HappyFathersDay."