Apartment Hunting for Hoarders and Madmen

I'm encountering the two classic problems of apartment searches everywhen:

1. I cannot find an apartment cheap enough to live in on my own, and

2. I cannot find someone to pay half the rent on a larger place.

Basically, I'm in that opening season of FRIENDS,where Rachel has no money, no marketable skills, and no place to stay. Except I'm also experiencing problem number 3:

3. I have way too much furniture.

I-

I've never encountered this problem on television. FRIENDS did nothing to prepare me for this. Over-sized couch stuck in the stairwell? Sure thing. Hilariously wide entertainment unit blocking your bedroom doors when you could easily just put it against the exterior wall by the bathroom? No problem whatsoever.

But how do I handle actually having furniture? And pots and pans and forks? I know how to live in a hole with nothing but three shirts and a computer, I've seen WB sitcoms with young female leads. But I have, like, thirty shirts. And pants? I've got like a bunch of pants! I can get rid of my mannequin torso, I guess, I've got other conversation starters enough, but come on, guys, where do the couches and recliners and love seats and dressers and hampers go in the $600 studio world?

Best I can tell, they just miraculously show up after I inexplicably become a professional chef.

Goddamit, I'm such a fucking Ross. I wish I was a Chandler.
Damnit….