A Field Guide to Yogurts

 
Fruit-on-the-Bottom:

You are the blue-collar Joe of the yogurt world. You make me work for my deliciousness, and you keep your jammy bits jammy, sealed from the crisp breeze by your succulent layer of, well, you.

Fruit-on-Top:

You're trying too hard to be classy. Like that scene in [any movie about a girl being made classy] where she has to figure out which fork to use.

Fruit-in-the-Middle:

You're a fucking parfait. Deal with it. 

Fruit-in-a-Tube:

You're fucking nine.

Plain:

Mitt Romney's version of "ethnic food."