Letters to People I Met Today

Dear Guy Looking for Machiavelli,

Was that really for your daughter's assigned reading? That's kind of crazy. If you had been looking for "The Prince" instead of "Machiavelli," I'd almost think you meant to ask for "The Little Prince." Except you weren't. I'd be a little worried this school was teaching my daughter to be a conspiratorial, conniving courtesan of unusual intelligence and, frankly, a borderline evil genius.

Incidentally, where does your daughter go to school and how high is tuition?

Dear Cute Mamasita,

I'm sorry your brother is in jail, and also that you don't know when he'll be getting out. I hope those books I showed you about personal computing and auto repair will be to his liking. When you said he worked in a place that only dealt with "…the best, expensive cars. Infinity and Mercedes," I really thought you were going to end the sentence with "chop shop," so for that I apologize. I mean he still might have, but I don't want to make assumptions. I hope he gets some good vocational training while he's there.

Also, lose the sideburns and we'll talk.

Dear Guy at Newsstand,

I hope you weren't offended that I talked out loud to myself/the magazines as I worked. I noticed you had Tourette syndrome and likely some form of autism. Figured it'd be ruder to censor innocent behavior because you were there than engaging in it like you were anyone else. I also figure you'd be pretty understanding.

Dear Guy Next to Guy at Newsstand,

Stop being such a judgmental asshole. If the autistic kid didn't care, why should you?

Dear Dad in Business Attire Reading to His Kid on the Floor,

I could see you were not wearing any socks. Why did you smell like fresh socks? Not even old socks, but fresh-from-the-bag, elastic-y smelling new socks? That's kind of a weird superpower, but it seems pretty cool too.