The Large Hadron Collider Is Not A Time Machine

I try to think of an iris, but every time I see this image,
I just think I'm looking into Optimus Prime's asshole.

"Scientists" have reported that the LHC at Cern in Europe could theoretically be a time machine, in that in searching for the elusive Higgs boson, particles called Higgs singlets could be created, which might have the ability to hop over one time-space dimension and freely travel either forward or backward through time, then possibly pop back into ours space-time and maybe then get detected (before we made them).

Yes, in case all of those conditional statements didn't get you, there's a slim chance that this could be a time machine, which wouldn't invalidate any important universal laws. The big thing the scientists were pushing was that since only these special Higgs singlets could travel back in time, you couldn't send a person. This is important because it means you could never go back in time and kill your own ancestor (the Grandfather Paradox), thus invalidating your own existence, preventing you from going back in time and killing your ancestor, thus letting to be born to go back in time and kill your ancestor, ad infinitum. Of course, you could still send these singlets back, and theoretically develop a simple programming language by which to send messages back in time. This, they say, would be paradox free.

Yes, because it wouldn't cause a paradox if someone sent a message back in time with specific intent of preventing an event, thus negating the desire to send that message back in time.

I'm calling Bullshit to the Future, starring Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd.