Charlie Sheen Is Hiring An Intern

Last night I was informed that Charlie Sheen is hiring an intern. He's also performing a stand-up tour styled one-man show, featuring talk time, Q&A periods and excessive use of non sequiturs.

But the internship. Yes, "Team Sheen" is looking for a social media intern, presumably because Charlie Sheen cannot be trusted to type batshit crazy tweets that aren't actually so batshit crazy they scare off any of his 2.8 million Twitter followers. They received 74,000 applications for the first round.

The test? Fill out a form and tell Team Sheen why you should be their Media Intern in 75 characters or less (presumably so you can send it as a tweet).

Celebrities For Whom I Should Intern In And Why (In 75 Characters Or Less):

Charlie Sheen - "My mother was a tiger; I am of her blood. Previous job: Vatican assassin."

Jerry Seinfeld - "I'm a guy who's all about nothing."

Lorne Michaels - "There's no way I could make Saturday Night Live any worse."

George Lucas - "Star Wars already stole my childhood, why not my adulthood too?"

Dave Eggers - "I know what 'sardonic' means; I can properly use a semicolon."

Rebecca Black - "I know why it's called "Friday."

Lindsay Lohan - "I have lots of blood. For things."

The guy from Aphex Twin - … alright, there's nothing that can be said about Aphex Twin in less than four million characters, all looped and read back simultaneously.