On Vegans

Natalie Portman apparently has a vegan shoe
line. If you really have a problem with what we
do to animals, there are plenty of resources on-
line to help you ease into veggie lifestyles.

I've made some pretty good points about vegetarianism, but in all honestly, every vegetarian I've ever met is a wonderful person who–save my aunt–is totally not at all annoying about it.

But vegans, man, vegans. Those guys just get me all miffed. Unless you're a willing vegetarian with a massive gluten intolerance, I don't want to hear from you.

Why do we even have a word, "Vegan?" It's not it's own thing. "Vegetarian" I kind of get, they eat more vegetables instead of meat. It's like saying "pro-life" instead of "anti-abortion;" define yourself by what you're for, not what you're against. "Antimeat" just sounds like some horrible, negative-zone world of meat. Maybe it just comes from animals with little, evil goatees, I don't know.

But "vegan" doesn't really make sense any more than "vegetabler" or "vegian" or "vegite." More worrisome, there's already a word for something that doesn't eat anything that came out of an animal. It's called an herbivore. You know, like a cow. They eat herb-type things. Fruits and leaves and stems and roots and seeds and even some flowers (candied hibiscus flowers are delicious, actually).

Frankly, the only explanation for this type of behavior is the first person to coin the word "vegan" really was a pompous little ass.