On Originality

Sorry, Jo, it was either you or a picture of hentai skullfucking,
and I like to keep the images here PG-13.

A couple nights ago I was talking to my friend Joanne and she jokingly threatened to have her boyfriend give me a "header."

"Do you know what a header is?" she asked.

Honestly, I had to say I knew what a header was, but had no clue what she meant it as. Was it a new thing?

"I don't think you can give someone a header."

"I'm obsessed with them now," she said. Apparently she had seen a movie called Header, where rednecks basically go around giving people 'headers' for 90 minutes.

"It's when someone drills a hole in your head," she said. "And then carve it wider with a knife. And hump their brains."

I told her Texans are ridiculous. I laughed. She laughed, not grasping my meaning.

"That's just good, old fashioned skullfucking," I said. "You don't get to name it something new because you think you just heard it."

"Yes I do," she said.

"Taking a header means to fall off something face first."

"Don't ruin this moment for me."

"It's already a thing."

"DAMNIT, DAVE!"


But I am remorseless. I remain undeterred. You do not get to make up a new name for something just because you think it's new. I mean you can try, but unless you accidentally find an insanely more hilarious name for the thing, you're shit out of luck.

And odds are the Japanese have been doing it since the '60s anyway.