On Dogs

Shh, shh, just go to sleep. It'll all be over soon.
You won't be able to hurt anyone else ever again.
Sleep now, forever, demon spawn.

When people came to the New World they brought their pets. When they moved Out West, they did the same. Homesteaders and frontiersmen occasionally had to deal with bears.

The thing is, big dogs like shepherds, retrievers, danes and labradors, they would try to fight off the bears an protect their masters.

Obviously, they died. Horribly. By bears.

But little dogs? Those little rat-looking things and toys and spaniels? Things that were bread with tiny bodies and short legs so they could burrow down into rodent dens and flush out the offending vermin? They yapped and yapped and yapped at the bears until they got annoyed and left.

Those fuckers scared off bears and lived.

And that's why celebritants like to carry tiny dogs around with them. They're afraid of bears.