On Domino's Pizza

Have you seen the Domino's commercial where they apologize to Bryce from Minnesota because his pizza arrived all smushed and gross? Probably. Here it is anyway:



"At Domino's … we're better than this."


… No.

No, you're not. You're Domino's. Shitty pizza is all you do. If there were a survey and I was asked to name the company most famous for delivering shitty pizza at shittier prices, I would immediately say "Domino's." I wouldn't even think about it.

"Pizza Hut" doesn't even jump to the front and "pizza" is in it's fucking name. "Pizza" is the first word, and I'm not even tempted to say Pizza Hut before Domino's in a list of terrible pizza. Would you like to know why? It's because at least Pizza Hut knows it's pizza is crap and they don't try too hard to fix a horrendously broken system. They just introduce good fucking pasta. Honestly, I haven't seen a Pizza Hut commercial advertising just pizza in years. It's always, "Order our gourmet pasta for your whole family! You won't even believe it's from Pizza Hut! (Oh yeah, buy a pizza while you're already on the phone.) PASTA!"

But goddam, Domino's. I was almost on board with the whole "Our customers hate us, let's admit our pizzas suck and start from scrap. They will appreciate the honesty." I do. I do appreciate your honesty. I can see that you earnestly want to make up for our lost time together.

But I mean you changed your recipe from crap on a crust to shit on a shingle. Great job.

Now come to my house with a free pizza.