In Which I Pretend to Be Hardcore

 

• My physique's so hard, beating me in an arm wrestling match is a good indicator of whether or not you'll pass the LSAT.
  
• I'm so hard, people watch Memento as a warm-up to talking with me.
  
• I'm so hard you could use my entire body to fuck David Spade. You know, because he's a giant pussy.
  
• I'm so hard, spending the night with me qualifies as the first and second legs of a triathlon. The third is walking the next day.
  
• I'm so hard I can't legally wear long-sleeves shirts because then my arms would constitute concealed weapons.
  
• I'm so hard I idly whistle the opening riff of Van Halen's "Eruption."
  
• I'm so hard my ben wa balls are the collapsed cores of neutron stars.