The Slacker's Soliloquy

 
I call her Care-Bear because it's cute and it doesn't seem to drive her insane yet. We'll see how long it takes. Anyway, the point is that Tenderheart was the fucking man when it came to Care Bears. CARE BEAR STARE!

My friend Carolyn posted something called "The Slacker's Soliloquy " by Enoch Tung a few days ago.

Angry that Mr. Tung didn't bother to finish his soliloquy–in true slacker fashion–I decided to do it for him. I have always been something of an overachiever.

Slacker's Soliloquy


To slack, or not to slack, that is the question;
Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer
The zeros and low marks of outrageous assignments
Or take pens against a sea of compositions
And by opposing, finish them.
To work; to accomplish
No more, and by accomplishment to say we end
The workload, and the thousand essays
That students are heirs to; ‘tis a dream
Devoutly to be wish’d. To work, to accomplish
To accomplish; perchance to succeed; ay, there’s the rub;
For in that accomplishment of work what mark may come,
When we have submitted this completed piece,
Must give us pause; there’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long a school career.
- Enoch Tung

For who would bear the Fs and incompletes,
The TA's wrongs,
That asshole in the front row,
The pangs of despiséd tests,
The grader's delay,
The insolence of office hours,
And the spurns that college credit takes,
When she herself might her quietude make with an Aderol.
Who would midterms bear, to grunt an sweat under a a weary undergrad,
But that, the dread of something after graduation,
That undiscovered Real World from whose rent no alumnus returns,
Puzzles our will,
And makes us bear the course loads we have,
Than fly to Mexico for Spring Break.
Thus classwork does make cowards of us all,
And Powerpoints of great font and effect,
With disregard,
Their projects turn awry
And lose the name of action.
- Dave Zucker