On Zombies, Always With the Zombies

 
Seriously, I need to stop trying to dream about zombies. Last night was nothing but running through an infected dorm and by the time I got to a safe attic it was just some fat guy and two toddlers, one who was infected and bit me and I had to wash my arm off with mint mouthwash and I FUCKING HATE MINT.

"Zombies are just hungry nihilists."

Aside from being an epic name for the screamo masterpiece my prog-rock band is going to release after our album entirely about SNL Celebrity Jeopardy jokes, this is actually a pretty good point.

Nihilists believe in the futility of existence, if you can even call that a belief since I'm also somehow sure they refuse to believe in anything. But what could a nihilist value? Ostensibly, knowledge, as the one useful tool to advance oneself in life until he dies, staving off that final black end as long as possible in an admittedly doomed effort, or as the one thing a man can truly hold as his own without fear of theft by anything short of that same abyssal death.

And what do zombies say, when the say anything at all?

"Brains…."

Of course most modern zombies don't actually say much of anything, and they're pretty indiscriminate in what parts of you they will eat. Surprisingly, they seem to be fond of entrails and left arms, in particular. I'm not sure why the left. probably has something to do with the heart being on the left and Americans' high-cholesterol diet.

However beyond this, there isn't some great existential need for zombies seeking brains. They are the ultimate nihilists, empty shells of creatures, devoid of souls or humanity, truly everything but their basest animal instincts, cannibalizing unnatural monstrosities feeding with all the intelligence and purpose of locusts, refusing death itself but in doing so are robbed of any value or meaning.

But they're still fucking hungry.

Might put a little hole in the dark hearts of nihilists out there, but hey, I make enemies like Apple's Chinese Foxconn workers make intricate LCD screens with "Retina" displays by the dozen.

You know, they kill themselves.

And become zombies.

(There are no OSHA standards for the undead. Also, Chinese.)