On Dendrology

My mom completely job-blocked me over lunch today.

Grandma found out she needs to have one of the trees in her back yard taken down and it's going to run several thousand dollars, more if the dendrologist has to haul all the lumber away himself.

So I said screw that! Jay just took a tree down at his house a couple weeks ago, and a few months ago I watched some guys on T.V. explain how to properly fell a tree, which I promptly filed away for latter use.

See, what you want to do is cut a smaller V above and opposite your main cut first, horizon on top and at a 45˚ diagonal on the bottom, then your main cut just beneath that on the side you want to tree to fall. This larger, primary cut should be 45˚ on top and horizontal on the bottom, so that when you push the tree over the two cuts form a ledge that prevents the tree from tipping back the way you don't want it to go.

I explained all of this and mom was thoroughly impressed. She suggested my friends and I could take the tree down for far less money. Grandma was then so ecstatic she doubled that price. Now I was ecstatic.

Then sometime while I was dazzled by dollar signs dancing in front of me, mom stepped in and convinced grandma she'd better go with someone who's insured.

COME ON.

I stand to make a bunch of money by using power tools to destroy a majestic maple tree? How could you deny me that? And insurance? You've already got home owner's insurance.

"But what if it falls on the neighbor's house?"

Maaaaan, he has home owner's insurance!

"But then he could sue grandma for using someone without insurance."

JEBUS CHRISTY! Do we really live in a world where every single job has to be conducted by a licensed and taxable professional? Can't a man just chop down a dying tree for his grandma because he's nice and wants money?

Godddamnit, Paul Bunyan didn't need fucking blue ox insurance. You know how I can guarantee we won't fuck up and drop a tree on someone's house? Because we're not incompetent. We have knowledge and experience and are willing to take a substantial pay cut because we are not professionals. You know how a professional can guarantee he won't drop a tree on your neighbor's house? HE CAN'T! That's why he gets insurance! Because he's become lazy and careless after so many years of working with chainsaws. He's absent minded. He has nothing to lose, we have everything. We can guarantee the job because we want it badly enough.

Also, the tree's back in the tree line way the hell away from any house.