An Open Letter to Tiger Woods

According to this article by the venerable Chris Harnick, Tiger Woods had to miss his son's first birthday because he was in sex rehab and he feels bad.

It took a while, but this was he final cog in the vast machine that was my thoughts and feelings on the matter of Tiger Woods and Golf. As such, I hereby address my concerns in "An Open Letter to Tiger Woods."



Dear Tiger Woods,

We still don't care about golf. Try all you might, we will never care about golf. There is no drama to golf and any attempt to instill that drama into the game will just remind everyone how boring and detached from the rest of life golf actually is.

You are a good golfer, maybe the best. However we still don't care. We liked you as a freak show attraction: "The Crazy-Good Golfer of Indeterminate Ethnicity But We're Pretty Sure He's Some Kind of Black Or Brown Or Something." That was fun. You shamed a bunch of racist old white men by outclassing them at their own sport. But that's like saying you like Rosa Parks because you like how good she was at sitting and not listening to other people.

You are a talented golfer. Now stop pretending that you matter to anyone other than retirees.

Please stop having press conferences and preempting actual news.

Signed,
Everyone Under the Age of 60