On Fertility Treatments

400 BABIES!!!*



I'm fine with people going to great lengths to naturally produce genetic offspring, but I've got to tell you that when you implant, like, nine fertilized embryos and are surprised when more than two take root, you're an idiot and kind of an asshole.

Sure, you're excited to have babies. We get that. You couldn't have any and suddenly you've got two or three and it's awesome for you. However, there are some of us who are both young and fertile, who view children as almost antithetical to where we want to be in life right now.

That's why when we see your "TRIP-LETS" license plate on the back of your red mini-van we get annoyed. You have children. We get it. Stop looking for attention.

I saw your three teenage daughters in their nearly-identical green plaid flannel shirts and their skinny-fit, dark wash hipster jeans, and none of them looked very happy about still dressing identically at their age. Just stop it. Being a parent has consumed your identity and at this point those of us without progeny to support are just unnerved by your willingness to let this happen.

The chest-burster scene from Alien still seems a bit too metaphorical for us.


*Babies brought to you by PowerThirst Energy Drink. Yes, it still exists.