On Running

A friend of mine told me today that I should go running.

I've mentioned my health kick, so this wasn't entirely unexpected, but surprisingly I was just thinking about this yesterday. Running is the one line I won't cross, which is crazy because it's great for your core, stamina and cardio-pulmonary systems. It's pretty rad.

But here's the limit I started with: just weights.

That was my rule. Then I added crunches and sit-ups, which I hate but are good exercises. They don't require any extra equipment and I can still do them in my house on my own time. Fine. So just weights and no-gear routines. No crazy douchebag supplements.

Well I drink milk with whey protein after now. Also, I've started switching to a much healthier diet with more protein, less fat and fewer calories. Technically, I'm only a little douche. I'm not taking anything with creatine or anything. There's barely any vitamins in what I got. It's just 100% whey protein heavy in amino acids. Considering I only drink organic skim milk, I figure this gets me all the fun of whole milk plus some.

So this is my final Maginot Line: don't be a douchebag runner.

You see I just hate dickball runners more than any other type of health nut. More than bikers, more than male yoga master, more than anything.

At least a musclehead has a respectable goal; he wants to have the best muscles, the biggest, the strongest, whatever. He wants to get jacked as fuck.

Runners just want to hold it over you.

"Oh, you can dead lift 480 lbs? That's nice. I'll be sure to remember that when I'm 80 and still running."

Fuck. That. Shit.

I hate running. Why the fuck would I want to be running when I'm 80?! For that matter, I'm already living past 80. Short of an accident, my genetics and standard rates for increased life expectancy say I should live to be about a hundred and twenty. Minimum.

Runners think they're in shape. They're not. Their muscles are stringy, their skin is a leathery hide worn by the elements endured from year-round running. Their knees are just doomed. In fairness, the extra strain will probably weaken their hearts and vascular systems. Yes, dying a renal failure in a hospital bed at 83 if much better than having your heart explode instantly when you're 67.

I'm pretty sure there's a happy medium for most people, but fuck that. I've got awesome genetics. Running is for regular asswipes trying to keep up with me and feel better about themselves

My friend said "If I see an 80 year old man running, I'm like 'Damn, fuck that dude,'
because I'm pissed he's in better shape than me."

Well NORMAL people think, "Look at that fucking asshole in his biking shorts and white Nikes. I hope he gets hit by a fucking car." That's why runners are worth the most points when you hit them out driving. (Fat people are negative points because they're harder to not hit.)

So no, no I will not become a runner. I'm getting in shape to be healthy and attractive, not to feel better than everyone around me. For that I can always just buy a Prius.