On Awesomeness

Tonight I got a little web shout-out from Bryan Haas. Very nice of him. If nothing else, by year-plus daily bloggetries inspire others to feats of awesomeness.

That said, if we're talking about fairness, Bryan Haas really needs to be more awesome than me on a daily basis. He's just a big guy. If two people were in a room with liquid awesome, osmotically, more would have to diffuse into Bryan Haas in order for balance to be achieved.

However I'm sort of in a different class. My levels of awesomeness are best described using astronomic phenomena, as after a certain point massive quantities of awesome distort physics in a localized field.

In most cases, mass increases with awesomeness. Case in point: Michael Moore was kind of awesome until he got super-critical fat and ran out of awesome fissionable material. He has swollen into a red giant by consuming now credibility to sustain himself, destroying everything of value around him and leaving only a tremendous asshole where once a dignified man existed.

Jean-Claude van Damme, meanwhile is about an average-sized star of awesome. He's surprisingly small in person compared to many around him, but this is because he is more awesome for knowing his place in the Hollywood scene. He's something like a blue dwarf of awesomeness, but not far off the Awesome Main Sequence and burning brightly and a bit more quickly, but intense, pretty, and most probably not an asshole.

And of course Tom Cruise was just so awesome through his career that he became a black hole and collapsed into his own asshole.

But me, I'm like a neutron star of awesomeness. Pretty tiny, but so awesome I've ceased to be made of matter that's not completely scrunched together. I'm an awesome thing among mind-shatteringly awesome things. My rarity makes me even more awesome, but I haven't collapsed into a singularity, warping space-time and becoming one of the universe's literal assholes. My presence can be felt for light-years. I am a shining beacon of awesome that man may never hope to touch, for fear of being crushed to his very core components and then a little bit more.


So yeah, I'm a pretty neat guy sometimes.