Everything I Need To Know In Life I've Learned From Spider Jerusalem

• Always trust your journalistic gonads (or attack womb).

• Don’t kill yourself; kill everyone else.

• Always do a proper background check on your drug dealer.
  
  
• Motion-activated cameras can mistake violent sex for assault.
  
  
• Beware the Chair Leg of Truth!
  
  
• Trust the Fuckhead.
  
  
• All religions suck, that’s why I have drugs.
  
  
  
• We all have a little Hitler in us, more so the Nazi sex midgets.
  
  
• Baby seal eyes taste better fresh.
  
  
• No one gives two tugs of a dead dog’s cock.
  
  
• Don’t leave home without your journalistic insurance.
  
  
• Recreational drugs can be written off on your taxes as journalistic equipment.
  
  
• The correct proportions for Aoteroa are one part blood to one part milk.
  
  
• The perfect mood for journalism is miserable, edgy, and tired.
  
  
• Everyone’s a FUCKING EDITOR.
  
  
• TV should be seen, not smelt.
  
  
• Journalistic ethics mean nothing in the face of the truth.
  

This list originally compiled with the help of Matthew Sanders, who has his whole life been preparing for the role of 'Weird-But-Cool Grandfather.'