On Purple Drank

Tonight was a good night. There was drinking, there was gambling, there was me actually winning for a change, and when we went to get some food there wasn't Dean peeing in Lou's deli.

Mazel-tov.

Sadly, I was informed of something as I stood cradling my coveted Stewart's brand grape soda, which I laughingly referred to as my purple drink.

I was informed of this.

"Drank." Purple Drank, in fact.

Let's break this down. It is a grape-flavored soda product that is legitimately named DRANK. As in, "Hey, nigga, get offa mah drank. Get cho own drank. That's mah drank." And yes, it has to be said like that, because this is honestly the most offensively racist drink ever. You remember that"Cocaine" energy drink? This is worse. By far.

"How?" you ask? How could a drink be so offensive to merit my crass and bigoted deconstruction?

How about the fact that this is marketed as the very first "Extreme Relaxation Beverage," an anti-energy drink? A drink with the slogan "Slow your roll?"

Who needs an anti-energy drink? According to the 'Community' tab on the Drank website the top consumers are "Our Favorite Rappers" and "Athletes and Work-Out Freaks."

So what is Drank? From there video it "tastes like grape soda actually," "but it's light and refreshing." The Old White Guy On the Street said "I don't know what it tastes like, but it's good." Glowing reviews. A headline seen in the same video reads "Sit Back, Relax, Chill Out and Pop A Can of Drag-Ass." So ass is involved somehow. Of the three ingredients listed on the site's 'Our Product' tab – Melatonin, Valerian root, and rose hips – I'm going to assume the former is a generic term for ass. For the record, the sub-heading blames hip-hop culture for this beverage.

So let's see, it is a grape-flavored, purple drink created by and for 'urban' populations with a reputation for and even a delight in being lazy.


Sometimes you just wonder how a man can walk, what with having balls big enough to literally prey on the marketability of stereotypes.

Luckily I was raised Jewish. The only thing like that I have to watch for are loose banking regulations and limited-time-only sales that really are too good to pass up.