On Poking the Bear

I was hanging out with a few friends at the bar last, and as a bunch of us were standing around, preparing to leave or otherwise sobering up that little extra bit from BAC .05 to .04.

And we discussed the following:

Apparently, one of us had received two speeding tickets that day. From the same cop. As it happens, there was copious drinking the night before and the decision was made – poorly – to avoid sleep entirely. This obviously failed, resulting in driving very quickly to make it home for work the next morning. So he got pulled over going 95 in a 55. (Beating the record I accidentally set trying to visit him and listen to rock music simultaneously.) He did not talk his way out of it, then he left because he still needed to get home soon.

Yes, he then almost immediately got pulled over by the exact same state trooper for going 72 in a 55. To quote the officer, "Are you retarded?"


Well we told this story as a local sheriff drove by. "He's probably ignoring the four guys standing outside a bar sobering up because he thinks, 'Yeah, I can snag one of them drunk in five minutes.'" A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha. Ha. That was Steve, I believe.

Well I was the third to drive off of four and what do you know? Four miles down the road is the sheriff with his strobes on and sure enough, Steve.

AND WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED CHILDREN??

THAT'S RIGHT. DON'T PUSH THE FUCKING ENVELOPE.

For the record, the 4 phrases you never want to say, except to mention in this list, are:

1. "At least it can't get any worse."
2. "Well at least it's not raining."
3. "I've got a baaaaad feeling about this."
4. "I'm sure it's perfectly safe."

And to that list I would like to propose the addition of

5. "Oh, hey!" as said with a smile to any law enforcement official.

God help you, Steve.