On Hot Dogs

Seriously, go check out Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs. I don't usually plug any particular product and I'm not making any money from this, I just love Nathan's Hot Dogs like a fat kid loves, well, Nathan's Ht Dogs.


I was always a fussy eater when I was a kid. I still am but I'm a lot better than I used to be, at least.

My grandmother used to cook hot dogs for me. Every day she'd either microwave me some fish sticks or boil up a hot dog and then cut it up into little pieces she'd let me eat with a tiny plastic saber cocktail toothpick. She'd put a little ketchup on the side and I'd dip my hot dog slices like some bizarre German form of dim sum.

But eventually even a three year old gets sick of the same food every single day. I avoided hot dogs pretty consistently after that, and to this day I've never eaten a fish product. [We will ignore the time my stepmother demanded I eat my fish over my objections of being nauseated by all aquatic smells, as I did consume two bites of fish but then sat alone at the table for an hour and a half but proceeded to vomit them back directly onto my plate since I wasn't allowed to leave the table. Point me.]

Anyway, the love affair was just over. Eventually I got back on the bandwagon, grudgingly. If there weren't and burgers sure, I'd have a dog. If I was desperately hungry at least.

Unfortunately, every person I grew up with was incapable of not charring a meat to a crisp, uniform lump of charcoal, so I understandably assumed all modern hot dogs sucked.

Then recently they opened a Nathan's restaurant within walking distance of my apartment and let my assure you that "walking distance" is the only thing standing between me and skyrocketing cholesterol.

Right in the middle of my "you know, your taste buds physically change over the years, why don't you give this really nasty lookin' shit a try?" phase, came Nathan's.

HO. MY. AGOD.

Hot dogs really were wonderful. I even tried a little mustard, a much-loathed condiment I never liked and SURPRISE AGAIN, IT'S EVEN MORE DELICIOUS.

My world was shaken. Now I'll get a couple dogs and slather them in ketchup and mustard and then load up enough sauerkraut to make a $4 frankfurter seem worth it.

Now, if I haven't offended every fiber of your American pride that doesn't involve me raping apple pie or your mother, I will still point out my dickery:

I refuse to zigzag my condiments over my hot dogs.

I know, I know, but guys listen. I lay down a river of red down one side of the dog and one yellow along the other. It keeps a uniform balance of flavor and fills in the gap between a round dog and a flat-cut Vienna-style roll, which forms a perfect platform for the 'kraut. It's perfect guys. It's even symmetrical the fat way!

That's what I'm talking about Google Image Search!

And if that didn't convince you, your mother also casually mentioned after rough sex that she likes my hot dogs best.

I know, weird thing to say, right?

Anyway, you're mother's a whore.

But hot dogs will forever be my special lady.