On Katy Perry

This is a little amusement dedicated to Prof. Ryan Vaughan of Binghamton University, whose voice grated through my head as I wrote the entire thing.

Vaughan's Theory states that every song is in fact only one-half of a two-sided conversation, the other 50% of which we are not normally privy to. What follows is the entirety of the conversation from which Katy Perry drew her hit single "Hot N Cold."


You change your mind
-Okay.
Like a girl changes clothes
-You do have a lot of shoes.
Yeah, you PMS like a bitch
-Fuck you, I'm sick, I'm allowed to be a little moody.
I would know
-Apparently.
And you over think
-[shrug] It's my one flaw. Always speak cryptically -How is “Can you please pick me up some tissues?” cryptic? Are the directions to RiteAid secretly hidden in the Mona Lisa? I should know That you're no good for me -Dude, I told you not to come over if you were worried about catching it. I'm not taking the heat on this. 'Cause you're hot then you're cold
-[Blows nose] I'm sorry, that's clearly my bad. You're yes then you're no
-What? You're in and you're out -Of the bathroom maybe. I'm heaving like your mom's ample rack. You're up and you're down
-Did I pass out? Huh? You're wrong when it's right
-Isn't angry sex the best? It's black and it's white -Well, I'm down with the sistas, but if you wanna start something it's gotta be two-girls. We fight, we break up
-Well yeah, you're crazy, but I kinda like that. We kiss, we make up -I … don't think you want to kiss my right now. I'm kind of mucus-y. You, you don't really wanna stay, no
-I really wanna go to the Doctor. You, but you don't really wanna go, oh
-No, I really kinda do. I sneezed brown yesterday.
'Cause you're hot then you're cold -We discussed this. I have a fever. It's pretty bad, actually. You're yes then you're no
-What are you saying?? You're in and you're out -For Chrissake I got it coming out of both ends, here! My colon is treating me like Kenan Thompson on Saturday Night Live, in that it shits all over everything I once loved. You're up and you're down - … I'm staring to get dizzy. We used to be just like twins, so in sync
-That's kinda hot, actually. The same energy now's a dead battery -They're rechargeable. It's more eco-friendly. Or do you not love our mother earth?? Used to laugh 'bout nothing -I was hallucinating that I had a girlfriend who'd actually bring me Vick's Vaporub and not smear it over her vag before making out with other chicks at clubs instead of me, which by the way was totally hot the first couple times you did it, but now, yes, in fact as your boyfriend I do mind it.
Now you're plain boring
-I've been in bed for four days, what do you want from me?
I should know
-Really? Because you didn't call me once, except to say that you made out with four more chicks on your way home.
That you're not gonna change
-What? Of course I will. It's a cold, you dumb bitch. I'm not terminal. It's not like I caught a fatal case of Whore's Mouth from you. We bought that dental dam shit for a reason.

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
-I'M SICK!
You're yes then you're no
-WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING??
You're in and you're out
-Seriously? It's like someone strapped a Super Soaker to my asshole and filled the tank with frothy mud and some wildlife. I think I saw a squirrel crawl out of the toilet yesterday. He stole my Mountain Dew.
You're up and you're down
-Could you at least try to catch me? Or, like put a pillow on the floor behind me?
You're wrong when it's right
-If I am, it's the recurring head-injuries.
It's black and it's white
-Alright. Fine. It can be two guys, but we stay on opposite ends of the boat and the aft section of the S.S. Slutbag is off limits to unauthorized personnel.
We fight, we break up
-I'm liking this part more and more the more you keep talking.
We kiss, we make up
-Really? Do you have a medical fetish I don't know about?
You, you don't really wanna stay, no
-Now you're catching on.
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh
-Aaaaand you're off again.

You're hot then you're cold
-[Sad] You never listen to me. You never listen!
You're yes then you're no
-I really feel like the clear-headed one in this relationship.
You're in and you're out
-Can we PLEASE stop talking about my bowels?
You're up and you're down
-Is it even possible for you to touch another human being without grinding your cooch at the same time?

Someone call the doctor
-IT'S ABOUT TIME!
Got a case of a love bipolar
-NO FUCKING SHIT! Can he prescribe meds? Does he have a partner who specializes in Dumbbitchectomies?
Stuck on a rollercoaster
- … So you stopped taking the meds, huh?
Can't get off this ride
- Normally, I'd tell you Zoloft would do the job, but right now I'm just too fucking tired.

You change your mind
-For once, you're right.
Like a girl changes clothes
- … Clean out your side of the closet.
'Cause you're hot then you're cold
-Yeah, about that, I'm starting to think this is a case of Whore's Mouth.
You're yes then you're no
-No, it's just no, now.
You're in and you're out
-Get out. Get the fuck out of my house. Get. The fuck. Out.
You're up and you're down
-Take the goddamn elevator for all I care. It's over.
You're wrong when it's right
-[serious] I really don't think so.
It's black and it's white
-You already fucked a black guy and this is just you needling me about it, isn't it? … Y'know, if I didn't have a huge cock I'd be pretty upset right now.
We fight, we break up
-About that? Yeah, this nurse down at the clinic slipped me her phone number on my way out a few days ago. I didn't throw it out right there, just to be nice, but now I think I'm gonna ask her out for coffee. She seems nice and she has easy access to prescription medications.
We kiss, we make up
-Yeah, this time seems pretty definitive.

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
-Feeling pretty fuckin' cold right now. I think we're done here.
You're yes then you're no
-It's over. I really hope you can find the help you need. I'm just not prepared to give it anymore.
You're in and you're out
-Of your vagina, maybe!
You're up and you're down
-Sorry, I'm just not in any condition to put up with this right now.
You're wrong when it's right
-You keep saying that, but your arguments are haphazard at best. Maybe if you had your Zoloft it'd work out better for you, but I'm pretty sure arguing against someone breaking up with you is an uphill battle.
It's black and it's white
-Your dripping, necrotic Whore Sores?
We fight, we break up
-HEEEEY! Look who just joined the conversation!
We kiss, we make up
-Alright, maybe one last snog for the road. I'm pretty sure you can't get double-Whore's Mouth, but this time you don't get to act like you don't like it when I sneak around your back door.

You, but you don't really wanna stay, oh
-No, I don' want you to stay!
You, you don't really wanna go, no
-Look, this is my house. Just get your stuff and be gone by the time I get back from the CVS Pharmacy.
You're hot then you're cold
-Okay, I know I'm starting to give some mixed messages but you gotta understand, Katy Perry, you're pretty fucking hot.
You're yes then you're no
-The only 'yes,' here, is for informed consent, but if you don't seriously bolt after this hot break-up sex we're having I'm gonna cry rape and use the nanny-cam footage as leverage to get you forcibly locked in the Psych Ward on Riker's Island.
You're in and you're out
-Oh, you like that, don'tchu, you dirty bitch?
You're up and you're down, down, down, down...
-But you like going down … in my pants. Yeah, I went there.