Astrophysics Jokes

The following string of one-liners resulted from a man I do not in fact know tweeting bad jokes about space science, both things I love dearly. Where demarcated by asterisk, Jeph Jacques of Questionable Content wrote the joke. The others are simply me furiously trying to gain his attention, which is considerable since I am told he is approximately seven feet tall.


*ASTROPHYSICISTS APPEAR TO DO IT AT A FURIOUS RATE DUE TO THE EFFECTS OF TIME DILATION.

*STRING THEORISTS CANNOT AGREE ON HOW TO DO IT BUT ARE ALL CERTAIN IT IS VERY COMPLICATED.

ASTROPHYSICISTS DREAM OF DOING IT IN A THREE-BODY SYSTEM.

*BLACK HOLE COSMOLOGISTS CANNOT TELL YOU HOW THEY DO IT BECAUSE THE INFORMATION IS ONLY RELEASED AS HAWKING RADIATION OVER BILLIONS OF YEARS.

QUANTUM PHYSICISTS DO IT SIMULTANEOUSLY AND THEY DON'T.

COSMONAUTS DO IT WITH LITTLE BACKWARDS R's.

ASTROBIOLOGISTS DO IT WITH PANSPERMIA.

*EMERGENCE THEORISTS JUST LET IT HAPPEN, MAN.

GAMMA RAY BURSTERS DO IT OFF THE VISIBLE SPECTRUM.

BIG BANG COSMOLOGISTS DO IT WITH INFLATION.

A DYSON SPHERE DOES IT WITH THE FULL POWER OF THE SUN.


I'll add more as they come to me.


[EDIT: Here are more. They came to me. Then they came again. And again. You also might really enjoy this discussion of black holes, science nerds!]