SWF Mad Scientist Seeks Evil Older Lab Assistant

What follows is an actual CraigsList "Missed Connections" personal listed from Binghamton, N.Y. Remember kids, if you're feeling down it's always a good idea to read the CL personals to cheer yourself up.

In Search of Evil Lab Partner and Nefarious Assistant - w4m - 25 (Binghamton)

Date: 2009-05-25, 1:24PM EDT


Evil Laboratory Scientist in search of lab partner to assist in scientific experiments and double blind case studies.

You must look hot wearing a lab coat and adore metal tables. Please have a penchant for caustic acids and know your periodic table of the elements.

The appropriate candidate must be older, refined, and familiar with chemistry. You should also enjoy long evenings in the lab, dancing, and night time scientific epiphanies.

Reply with head shot photo of you looking particularly scientific/nefarious/helpful. Also please list three of your favourite elements in a short essay format detailing which is your most favourite and why.

Thank you for your attention. Serious replies only.


MY REPLY:

To whom it may concern:

I am writing you in response to your posting for a lab assistant on CraigsList on 25 May. I am applying to Evil Graduate School after receiving my BA in Creative Writing with a concentration in Evil Literature and would be greatly interested in adding an internship or extended position with you to my résumé.

I have always had a keen interest in Mad Science. As a child I built elaborate death traps with my Legos and designed flaming ball-launching catapults from the refuse in my local garbage shed. Though my undergraduate work was mostly in Liberal Evil Arts, I can assure you that it's from my passion for intricate plots and machinations. I am a natural whiz with both mathematics – chiefly quantum and astrophysics – and psychology, especially that of heroes, conquerors, and the huddled masses. In addition to exemplary grades in my sciences, I can also sing the first twenty ellements in order to the tune of "Modern Major General" â la Tom Lehrer.

I am younger, 22, but as such am willing to work for practically nothing. A living wage and off-hours lab access is really all I need, as I recently have neared completion of converting my mother's basement into my own lair. I have a videographic memory, so any training I receive will recalled by my cyber implants immediately. I am not a dancer, but given the right combination of liquor and Amazon River neurotoxins I can be persuaded. As for late night epiphanies, I routinely graze wikipedia to keep up to date with recent sourced articles and new developments in subatomic physics, space-time, and multiple dimensionality.


As for my favorite ellements, I would be inclined to list them as carbon, aluminum and aether, with the latter holding a special place in my heart.

Carbon I must list among my favorite ellements as it takes billions of years for a star to burn though all its Hydrogen and Helium and other ellements before Carbon is formed and cast off in supernovae. Moreover, every lifeform is principally constructed of carbon on this planet, and thus it is the easiest method by which to destroy them.

Aluminum I add exclusively because I noticed that you spelled the word "favourite." Aluminum is one of the few ellements whose name in the United States differs from its European English Language equivalent. Thusly, we could already have an running in-joke over the "aluminum/aluminium" debacle.

Still, both these ellements pale in my mind to Aether, the now-defunct theory of the semi-gaseous medium of outer space, thus enabling transmission of particles and electromagnetic waves. Aether represents both the presumptuous folly of man but also the hope that comes with progress and subjugating the weak and stupid beneath one's heal.

In conclusion, while there is something to be said for both differentiation and conformity at times, it is both ironic and inspiring that my favorite ellement is in fact ficticious. At least accrding to those cranks over at NASA.


Attached, please find one of several photos I had lying around. Please note that I can provide my own labcoat, goggles, goatee and eyebrow scar, as well as utility belt, grappling hook, rope, pulleys, and a multitude of modified Nerf guns (not pictured).

I look forward to hearing back from you and am eager to start working in the great and expanding field of Evil Science.


Thank you for your time,

Rev. David "Danger Zone" XXXXXX
InstantRamen86(at)gmail.com