Time Traveling Keanu Reaves Arrives From Future

Claims in every major franchise, ruins everything you loved.

DNA testing has revealed that the man who exited a sparking telephone booth in the middle of the Rose Bowl last season claiming to be Keanu Reaves, is in fact the future incarnation of the Hollywood A-Lister. Or at least one incarnation, experts say.

To be fair, this is probably only one possible future Keanu. "As we understanded, time branches out at every possible outcome," Professor Carlin says. "So by coming back in time, Mr. Reaves might have created a parallel world in which everything ever is altered by his arrival. There could very well be an infinite number of Keanai in the universe."

Confronted by this troubling possibility, the professor quickly added, "Unless he was supposed to come back, of course. Then he just has to remember to do everything he's supposed to do without fail until he was supposed to come back, then do that and not do anything else he wasn't supposed to do unless he wasn't supposed to do that."

Pressed for comment on the matter, present-day Mr. Reaves was reported only as saying, "WOAH," before starring at his hand. For ten minutes.

Full Circle

Colombia/Tristar has already tapped Reaves to star in a bio-pic about himself. Reaves will portray his current self, while all scenes taking place in the future will be shot on-location in the interveening decades.

The film is slated for a Summer, 2067 release date.

Elder Reaves is already in negotiations to act as time-consultant, with an executive producer credit. Michael Bay is already attached to direct; soundtrack by Wild Stallions.